the thing about timing
by popexpaulsen
Summary: “When she thinks back, she can’t really remember the rest of that night. She knows that happens, sometimes, when you experience traumatic events, and frankly, she’s glad.” A one shot set mostly during 1x06


**Warning: This story deals with miscarriage. If this is a difficult subject for you, please give this one a miss. I promise my next fic won't be so heavy. Xxx**

…

The night it happens, she is alone. She was alone most nights, really, because that's what happens when you find yourself in love with someone who isn't yours. When the cramping starts, she's already in bed. Not sleeping, rarely ever sleeping, but settled in for the night. She doesn't pass much heed at first. Sure, her cycle was usually pretty regular, but with the stress of the campaign, she didn't think it was that crazy to assume her period was just a little off this month. Eventually, the pain gets to be too much, and she forces herself out of bed in search of some Advil. The movement caused her to notice the warmth between her legs. She looks down at her sheets and _woah_, that's a lot of blood.

Olivia didn't do panic. She was methodical and analytical and she thought everything through thoroughly before ever jumping to a conclusion. Thinking this through, she couldn't actually recall if she had her period last month, and the cramping was becoming unbearable, and she didn't have to go through the rest of the process to know that something was _really _ wrong.

There was no rulebook for this, and Olivia didn't know what to do. Who do you call when you suspect you're having a misscarriage and the father is running for president, and _married, _and you're working on his campaign? Eventually, she decides on Cyrus, because he won't ask questions, and he was close, and he would get the job done.

She's in the hospital in minutes. Such were the perks of being in her position, she supposes. She lies in bed, unmoving, while a doctor explains what's happening, that it wasn't her fault, there wasn't anything she could've done to stop this, and she thinks she nods her head in the right places. It's only when he asks if there's anyone that he can call for her that he really gets her attention. She can't call him, but _God,_ how much easier would all of this be if she could hold his hand? She doesn't think she can go through this with anyone other than Fitz at her side, so she shakes her head, no, and finally lets the tears she had been holding back since she realized what was happening in her hotel room fall.

Although her shock had mostly overtaken her, she had listened whilst the doctor explained her options, and opts for the surgical procedure. Somehow, it doesn't seem quite as awful for someone else to do this to her, and she's not sure she could force herself to take the pills. This way, the choice was taken away from her, and she thinks she can live that more easily. She's progressing quickly, the doctor says, and she can't decide if that's a good thing. She wants this to be over, but then again, she doesn't want this to be happening at all. What she really wants is to wake up from this nightmare.

…

_When she thinks back, she can't really remember the rest of that night. She knows that happens, sometimes, when you experience traumatic events, and frankly, she's glad. There has been no point in time since then that she wishes she could remember more details._

...

The procedure went well, she faintly hears someone tell her. A nurse, maybe? They want to keep her in for observation, and she has visitors, if she's feeling up to it. Olivia must have agreed to this because a few moments later, Cyrus appears, his face solemn because he's not stupid, he knows what happened, but other than that he doesn't acknowledge it. He fills her in on the days events, polling updates, and every tiny schedule change, and who seemed to be more stressed than usual, and she's grateful. She needs the distraction, anything to take her mind off what she just went through, and anyway, she hates being out of the loop with anything to do with the campaign.

"Fitz wants to come and see you," he tells her then. "He doesn't know what happened, but he heard you're in hospital. I told him it was probably a bad idea, that you're fine and he needs to focus, but you know him. Stubborn."

Olivia huffs a laugh. Stubborn was one way to describe him, sure. The thought of him seeing her here, like this, tears her in half. On the one hand, she wants to protect him from all of this. The last thing she wants to do is break his heart with thoughts of a baby they can't ever have, and Cryus is right, he does need to focus. On the other hand, she's not sure she can go another second without Fitz here to hold her together.

"It's alright," she says. "He can come. Just… make sure he's on his own, okay? I don't want to have to put on a show for more people than necessary today."

What she means is she's fairly sure Mellie is already suspicious of them, and she doesn't want to give her a shred more proof. Cyrus still seems oblivious though, and he nods, slapping his hand against his thigh as he gets up.

"I'll let him know. You rest up, we can't do without you much longer."

She smiles, and he's almost out the door before she stops him.

"Hey Cy?"

He turns, his hand on the doorframe as he waits for her to finish.

"Don't tell him what happened. You know how emotional he can be and I don't want him making a scene before he gets here. I'll just tell him myself."

"If you're sure, Liv," he replies.

She lets him leave this time.

…

Fitz has her gathered in his arms before she can even finish her sentence. He's murmuring his condolences into her hair as she sobs and he does too. She lets him hold her until she can breathe again and then she pulls away.

"I didn't know." She's whispering, not trusting her voice to remain unbroken just yet. "I would have told you," she continues. "If I knew, I would have told you, but-" She looks up at him, hoping he understands, that she doesn't have to finish this sentence, but his eyes are wide, and soft and curious. She sighs.

"Fitz, the end result would've been the same either way. I can't have your baby."

He's taken aback by her bluntness, even though he knows this. Her miscarriage was a tragic means to an end that had to happen. Knowing this, and being okay with this are two very different things, however, and he holds her close, allowing himself to mourn their loss anyway.

A few moments pass in a comfortable silence, Fitz stroking her hair, and Olivia inhaling his scent from his shirt, before she speaks up again.

"I need to call Huck. And Stephen," she decides, and he should've known the cogs were turning in her head, even lying in hospital.

"The press is going to want to know why your campaign fixer was rushed to hospital, and they can't know the truth. Huck can change the records to say I've had an appendectomy. Stephen can leak it for us. I trust them, they won't breathe a word. We are going to need the doctor and the nurses here to sign an NDA though. I know they're bound by confidentiality, but I need something more solid than that."

She's sitting up by now, the words tumbling out of her mouth almost too fast for her to keep up with them, and he can do nothing but gaze at her in awe. Oh, he's so in love with this woman and her beautiful, intelligent mind.

"Well, I'll leave the optics to the expert," he smiles. "I should get going, leave you to it."

He untangles himself from her, about to get up from the bed, but she stops him with a hand to his arm.

"Don't leave me," she breathes, hating how desperate she sounds, but needing him so badly right now that she almost doesn't care. "I'm going to make these calls, and then I'm going to try to get some sleep. Just… stay until then?" she asks.

He nods immediately. Of course he would stay with her. He'd give her the world if he could, but if keeping her company for a few more minutes was what she needed, he was more than willing to provide that.

…

They don't talk about it much, after. Everything goes back to normal, or as normal as it can be in their situation, and it isn't mentioned. Their days are filled with strategies and plans and tight schedules that are necessary to get Fitz into office. Their nights are lonely, except when he is able to sneak away. Those nights are special, filled with laughter and teasing and amazing sex, and too short.

After a while, Olivia doesn't even think about it too much. Her life goes on the way it should, and it's hectic and she doesn't have time for could have beens.

When she finds out that Amanda Tanner is pregnant, and it's possibly his, the memories crash over her like a wave, bringing her to her knees, and rendering her incapable of stringing together a coherent thought. Stephen gets it but he doesn't _get it_, and the only person she wants to talk to is the person who got them into this mess, and it's not an exaggeration to say she hates him right now.

…

It's Stephen who tells her it's not Fitz's baby, and she could cry, except there's someone knocking at her door.

…

When he asks her for one minute that evening, and she settles in his arms, she knows both their minds are in the same place. She lets out a shaky breath as his hand settles over her belly, and allows herself to spend the rest of their minute thinking of a little girl with curly hair, and chubby cheeks and his smile. She would be one now, their baby. But the minute is up, and she pulls herself together, because she has a busy schedule with no time to think about could have beens.

…

It's years later when nature doesn't make the decision for her. When she finds herself keeping yet another secret to save his fragile heart, even though she's breaking her own.

…

It's later still when they're finally in that place. They've put in the work and they've come out the other side, and this time when she's late, she _excited_. Fitz sits with her as wait for the pregnancy test to be ready, and he squeezes her tight, twirling her around their bedroom, when she shows him the positive sign.

…

She falls in love all over again watching him hold their baby girl in his arms. He's murmuring to her softly, letting her know he much he loves her and when he looks up, Olivia is crying.

"Hey," he soothes, "it's okay, Livvie."

"I know," she chuckles. "These are happy tears. I'm so, so happy. I just never thought we'd get here."

He crosses the room to settle beside her on the bed, cradling the baby carefully in one arm, holding her close with the other.

Placing a kiss against her temple, he says, "You never did have much faith in us, huh? I knew we'd get here. This is perfect."

"Yeah, this is perfect," she agrees, her eyes not leaving the baby in his arms. "But I want her back now."

…

_A/N: I hope I did this justice. This is one of my biggest head canons, and really, it wrote itself, but I tried to handle it with as much care as possible. Please let me know what you think._


End file.
